Layers.

Yesterday my anxiety was out of control. I wrote a bunch of words in the morning, but then found myself unable to continue. I experience it as heart-thudding fear, nearly impossible to ignore, and seemingly out of nowhere.

I decided to layer on the good things. I spent some in contemplative prayer, focusing on a picture of my heart with tendrils like garden creepers, entwined with tendrils from God’s heart. It is a hard image to draw, but it has been a good one for me lately. We’re together, and no one can pull us apart. (I could, actually, but I don’t want to. I will stay close, not just tucked in, but entwined.)

Then, I drove to the hotsprings. It was morning, and very few people were there. A hoopoe and a pond heron greeted me. I saw the flash of striped feathers of the hoopoe and then, drawing closer, the gorgeous crest and pointed beak. Their presence felt like love. I went from the hot water to the cold shower, back and forth, back and forth. The effect that it has on me is like endorphins after a run, but easier on the knees.

Then I took myself out for papaya salad and sticky rice. I rode my motorbike down new roads and up a mountain. I went for coffee and wrote poetry. I lay on my back in the grass and talked to Ro. I joined Chinua’s open voice singers at Shekina Garden and we practiced carols for our Christmas Eve event. I soothed, and cajoled, and soft-talked my heart. I sat and read stories for Advent with my kids. We each ate a piece of chocolate. We lit candles. We talked about joy, and how to soak it in. I soaked in Isaac’s weight beside me, the way he rests his head on my shoulder. His words when I asked them what brings them joy and he said, “you guys.”

At no time did my heart actually stop feeling scared. I layered the things on because I am learning that care has a future effect, not always felt in the moment.

And today I woke up feeling different. Feeling a bit of creative hope rising again. Feeling like I can face tasks with that superhero spirit. Feeling thankful and ready. It’s all I can ask for.

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